Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
