My friends, they love my intelligence
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
