Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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