I wish I could punch you in the face.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
