doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
