the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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