i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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