The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
