Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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