Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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