I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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