i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
