her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
