I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
