You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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