I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
