Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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