I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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