Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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