Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
