If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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