My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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