saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
