Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
