Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
