mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I have aggressive nipples.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
