Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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