My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
