I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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