His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
