i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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