I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
