The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
