i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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