I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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