dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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