Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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