i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
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Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
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There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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