last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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