I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
