I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
