It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
