i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
