remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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