Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
