i don't like sucking hair
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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