So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
bring money and cleavage
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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