My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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