1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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