Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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