I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
