I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
