I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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