im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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