why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
the liver wants what the liver wants
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
