Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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