fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
